A forward to the blog post you’re about to read:
I’ve been struggling to sleep well lately, and have regularly found myself staring at the ceiling of my room for hours before drifting off. One night earlier this week, I was tired of this routine, so I decided to try writing what I was thinking and feeling in a stream-of-consciousness blog draft. Here are those thoughts in a slightly edited form. I know this might sound a little depressing, but I value transparency and being truthful about my thoughts and feelings, choosing to share them in this almost journal-like format, over attempting to twist them into an inspirational post full of overused words and out-of-context Bible verses.
These are simply my own thoughts as they came to me in the early morning when I couldn’t sleep.
My iPad clock says it’s 1:48 as I start typing.
I can’t get to sleep tonight, and after tossing and turning and trying to keep my head under my pillow until I finally drift off, I’ve finally turned my little bedside desk lamp on and pulled out my iPad and Bluetooth keyboard to write. It makes more sense to do something productive.
I’ve been struggling to get to sleep the last few nights. It’s kinda miserable, but obviously not the worst thing I could be going through, given the current world circumstances. I’m guessing my restlessness is somewhat the fault of those circumstances… It’s not that I’m not tired or don’t want to sleep. Tonight was the most exhausted I’ve been in a while, I think due to seasonal allergies that have finally caught up with me. But once I turn out the light and am alone in the dark with my thoughts, I can’t manage to make them quiet down.
I’m listening to Skye Peterson’s new EP that just released tonight as I type this. I can barely hear the thunderstorm track playing on the Echo device on my bedside table next to me despite my headphones. I’m not wearing my glasses as I type this, so the words on the screen are blurry. That’s ok, I want to write without caring too much about editing. Editing in the rough phase is one of my biggest “writer sins”; I just can’t seem to help it.
Today was one of the most unproductive days I’ve had in a while; maybe that’s why I’m struggling to get to sleep now. I tend to feel undeserving of rest if I haven’t met the “Goals” for the day. It seems like such a waste to spend so many hours sleeping when there’s so much more I could be doing. I did read the handbooks and various other pieces of information for several different colleges this evening, so that’s one thing that’s been on my to-do that I can finally check off and feel good about completing. Of course, just having to research colleges like this makes my situation all the more real. Which is funny, because I didn’t expect to be this hesitant towards the idea of going to college.
Just a few months ago I was excited about the idea. Now I just keep thinking about how I don’t want my current life to change. To put it with childish simplicity – I think I’m realizing that I’m about to grow up with finality, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to give up the life I have right now, which is honestly pretty great aside from being stuck in the house 24/7.
The lyrics of the song playing right now are reminding me of something else that’s been creeping up in my thoughts a lot lately – trying to find my calling and not slip up. I’ve written about my struggle to trust that I won’t somehow miss God’s “destiny” for me on this blog in the past. It’s a constant battle for me not to fall back into that worry. I don’t have anything new to say about this, except that I wish I could figure out the magical Bible verse to say or have someone give me the final proof I need to make it go away and stop plaguing me every few months.
I hope this writing depletes my thoughts and tires me out soon. The little clock in the corner says it’s almost quarter-past-2 now, and I was hoping to get up earlier than usual in the morning. That’s another thing I’ve been failing at a lot lately – I’m very much a night-owl, and getting up early is very hard for me. But I’ve been trying, only to fail miserably. Today was the worst in a long time, which I’m sure contributed to my unproductiveness, and to my current feelings of failure and worthlessness that are keeping me up.
Oh hey, I think I found it – it’s the self-loathing that’s keeping me awake right now.
Why can’t I just agree with my brain that yes, I didn’t do so well today, but we’ll just try again tomorrow, how does that sound? And my brain could agree and then pipe down and let me get to sleep. I’d even be happy with a begrudging agreement. I just want to get some rest so I can try for a better result tomorrow.
I think I also feel rather pointless right now. It’s that limbo state, of being very close to very big things, but still not quite there. Maybe like edging up to the start line of a racetrack, knowing the gun will go off and the race will start at any minute, but you’re not allowed to move even a millimeter just yet. You just have to wait and keep that foot steady, ready to slam down on the gas the moment the timer starts, but not too early, not too late. That’s what right now feels like, I guess. I’m apprehensive about what’ll come next, but I’m tired of waiting amid all this nothing.
I hope one day I’ll look back on all of this and laugh at my poor, young, clueless self. For not seeing what was so clearly in front of her, for being so fretful and worrisome, for being so young, and all the silliness that comes with youth. To sympathetically pat her on the head and think, “How little she knew! How much she worried for nothing!” I hope this will be future-me’s thoughts towards now-me, one day…
Because the main thing now-me is thinking is that she’s not quite sure how she’ll ever become future-me with all her problems and all the things that’ll surely throw her off-course before she even gets half that far.
Maybe I should get a book and read it until I fall asleep; I’m not so sure this writing is helpful right now.
At this point, I left off writing and started reading a science fiction short story collection by E. B. Dawson, and eventually fell asleep sometime after 3 a.m.