One of my “resolutions” for 2021 was to explore my faith, what it means to me, and how I want to live it.
The other day I was considering my “resolutions” and the way I feel like I’ve been quite lax on truly pursuing them, only to realize that without fully meaning to, I’ve actually been really honing in on that faith one in particular.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who occasionally fantasizes about erasing their own timeline. Really, wouldn’t the world be better without the long trail of my various offenses and misdemeanors against thoughtful society? That time I expressed a foolish opinion in front of all my classmates, or said something hurtful to my sister about her new hairstyle without even realizing it, or raged on social media about topics that no one will even remember in another half-a-decade. I wonder sometimes about how my childhood BFF is doing, if she ever recovered from all the times my insensitivity made her run off sobbing. It’s the main thing that stops me from trying to reconnect with her now, although it’s been around ten years since the last time we talked–what if she still hates me for that time I told her only babies were scared of worms?how many therapy sessions did it take her to recover from the years we were friends?
I’ve been struggling to sleep well lately, and have regularly found myself staring at the ceiling of my room for hours before drifting off. One night earlier this week, I was tired of this routine, so I decided to try writing what I was thinking and feeling in a stream-of-consciousness blog draft. Here are those thoughts in a slightly edited form. I know this might sound a little depressing, but I value transparency and being truthful about my thoughts and feelings, choosing to share them in this almost journal-like format, over attempting to twist them into an inspirational post full of overused words and out-of-context Bible verses.
These are simply my own thoughts as they came to me in the early morning when I couldn’t sleep.